Sunday, December 12, 2010

Architecture



I look at houses.

I like their solidarity, shoulder to shoulder

rising over the streets

in waves of sturdy architecture

that fix the undulating landscape

into orderly cross-hatched blocks.


Even the lordly peaks that sit like

wooded islands in this regimental sea

harbor stragglers tucked along each ridge

in loose formation, alternating ranks

with eucalyptus trees until they disappear

into the swallowing fog.


I walk between the lines of walls

lifting my eyes to the angularity

of rooftops against the sky. I take in

the haphazard milk-spill clouds

in a single glance before my eyes

return to their caress of a cornice scroll

or ornamental molding.


Four walls support a roof to make a shelter,

a basic truth grasped so young

that even simple block on block towers

teetering under the clumsy build of childish hands

freely elaborate upon that plan.


I like the curve and jut of

porches, bays, gables, balconies,

pointed turrets, colonnaded arches,

the nubbly texture of stucco walls and

weathered wooden shingles. I like the

dramatic flair of crisply articulated designs

picked out in newly painted colors

and the worn endurance of faded peeling paint.


I look at windows, the blank and staring

rectangular standard for every house, and

see most often drawn shades or lacy curtains,

maybe a cat perched upon the sill.

Upper stories more confident

of their distance from the street may

brazenly show off a plant or dangling ceiling fixture

behind open shades, but even there

the blandly dark interiors recede from view

in contrast to embellished facades.


At night the roles reverse as brilliant

windows awaken lifeless dusky walls

to reveal a multitude of residents

sharing a common myth of privacy

when close enough to hear each other's voices

and smell what's cooking on another stove.


I look out at a ground covered with stars

whose glow bleeds upward to the sky

and think how many stories

lie framed inside these windowpanes.

In this bedroom lovers

quench the fury of their need.

Next door a daughter tells hurried lies

into a phone jammed between shoulder and ear.

In his kitchen a man reaches into a barren fridge

for a beer to wash down today's demise

while one floor below an aging couple

move in tandem lifting chopsticks to their lips.


In my own home I flick on the switch,

a momentary spotlight on my body

as I gather closed the drapes and make

my window another anonymous light

three floors above the street. I lie down

and hear the television from next door below

and footsteps striding purposefully

around the flat beneath. Sheltered

within the walls that set me apart

from strangers I call neighbors

I share with them the contract

built into such houses

where windows open onto walls.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Thoughts on Self-Portraiture


   More so than a look in the mirror, a look at myself through my camera shows me what I do not automatically see about myself.  For the last 165 days, I have been photographing myself daily.  The plan is to continue for an entire year, culminating on my 50th birthday in November.  Before I began this project, I rarely went in front of the camera.  I never liked how I looked in photographs, even though I was relatively content with what I saw in the mirror.  I'm not even sure why the idea took hold of me so strongly when I first came across it.

   There are many facets to my interest in self-portraiture.  The first is simply an interest in portraiture itself.  Having a willing model makes all the difference.  I have exactly as much patience to model as I do to take the picture, and I have already set aside the time.  The collaboration between actor and director is quite close, the communication good, and the intentions agreeable.  It is comfortable to work with myself and eliminates any anxiety about imposing on other people.

   Once I get behind the camera, and before it, the question of intention does arise.  What do I want to do here?  There is the overall intention behind the entire project and the immediate intention of each particular photo.  If I only wanted to try out portraiture, I wouldn't need to do it every day.  If I wanted to master it, one year and one subject would hardly be enough.  The intention to do this kind of project is naturally a personal one.  The point of portraiture is to portray intrinsic qualities of the subject, whether they are purely visual, intimately expressive, or something in between.

   The quality that came to mind as a launching point is age.  Fifty years of it.  Middle age.  The socio-political, cultural and biological implications are extensive, enough to have larded my mind with unattractively weighty fears of diminishing value.  I have heard that women over fifty become invisible and find that an unpleasant prospect.  In part, this project is a protest against that idea, an effort to keep myself visible despite my age.

   What does it mean to be visible?  That all depends on who is doing the seeing.  Since I am the one behind the camera, and, more importantly, behind the processing and posting, I am the one doing the seeing.  I observe myself as a subject when I plan each shot, and I observe how I look in them when I make the myriad choices that happen between the first shutter click to a finished portrait.  I also observe my responses to what I see and how that shapes each photo shoot.

   Unlike photos other people take of me, my self-portraits show what I like about myself visually. For every portrait I have done this year, there were out-takes by the dozens, sometimes a hundred or more.  The technical difficulty of focusing, framing, and lighting a subject that isn't seen through the viewfinder accounts for most of those out-takes.  The rest are pure redundance.  Modeling gives opportunity for improvisation, and I will blithely click away as I move in front of the camera, sometimes making only minor changes to the tilt of my head or the expression on my face.  By the time I get to the processing stage, I usually have a lot to choose from, though not always anything I like.  The fun of digital photography is that it is exceedingly malleable.  I use a basic photo processing program, not having taken the time to initiate myself in the profundities of Photoshop or Lightroom, and even those limited options are enough to salvage disappointing images.

   My portraits are more than a visual display.  Assembled together, they become a documentary of my year.  My thoughts, moods, environments, activities, and circumstances show up each day in pictures.  Besides the few words or sentences of explanation that I tag them with, they speak for themselves.  I can see themes recurring, patterns within the flow that illustrate qualities I recognize within myself.  Because I have made a concentrated effort to portray them, sometimes by plan but mostly by serendipitous improvisation, I feel more closely identified with them.  Looking at each finished portrait gives me a satisfying affirmation that I do contain those things that I want to show.

   I don't consider the photo editing a falsification of evidence.  I know I don't look as perfect as I can make a photo look.  That isn't the point.  What is fulfilling is the looking and the seeing, the discovery of beauty or interest within the very familiar contours of my face, body or life.  I am creating my own aesthetic with this process, and the finished work that I present does not have to represent me as is, or me as I would like to be, but me as I can see myself.  The quality of projected imagination holds far more interest for me than untouched realism does.  If anything, my aesthetic says more about me than anything I could show on the fluid transience that is my face.  Within my artistic choices lies the story of my maturity.

(view the whole project here)